


Fairness and Accuracy on Television

by storiesfortravellers



Category: Leverage
Genre: Counting Fetish, Crack, M/M, Sesame Street, Television Watching, vampire!Eliot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-28
Updated: 2012-10-28
Packaged: 2017-11-17 05:15:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 524
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/547999
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/storiesfortravellers/pseuds/storiesfortravellers
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Crack!ficlet with Vampire!Eliot and Nate discussing television vampires and what they do and don't get right. Warnings for vampires that bite, parodies of deconstruction, and sexy math.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fairness and Accuracy on Television

"Hey, go back to PBS."  
"Let me guess, Eliot, you're upset about the stereotype that Sesame Street perpetuates."

"No, I like the count."

"But - when we watch Buffy, all you do is complain!"

"SSHhhhh!" Eliot said, and waited until the Count was finished before answering Nate's objection, "That's totally different, Nate. First of all, Buffy makes us seem like total wimps in the sunlight. Which is crap. I mean, I handle sunlight better than you most mornings Mr. Hangover. Second, the idea that all vampires fall in love with teenage girls - "

"Yes, I recall your arguments."

"And don't even get me started on Anne Rice."

"I won't. But why doesn't the Count incur your wrath?"

Eliot shrugged. "The Count's cool."

"What do you mean cool?"

"He counts. He's the Count and he counts."

"Yes, I picked up on that stunning wordplay."

"Don't patronize me, Nate, I'll fucking bite you. And not in the fun way. Seriously, there's something deeper with the count. I can feel it."

"Okay, Eliot. I see your point. The Count is a metaphor. For the existential crisis caused by modernity."

"Don't make fun, Nate."

"Oh no, I'm totally serious. The Count is just a profound artistic statement. The items he counts are practically interchangeable. It's like he's saying that WE'RE all interchangeable, that technology has stripped us of our individuality-"

"Shut up, Nathan."

"No, I can see why you think there's more to the Count than-"

"It's sexy."

"Wh - what?"

"What the Count does. It's sexy. To a vampire. That's how I know they used real vampire consultants. Because what the Count does is damn sexy."

"He counts things."

"Yeah. Exactly."

"So... vampires think math is sexy?"

Eliot rolled his eyes. "Counting is sexy. See, we're different, cognitively."

"Blonds?"

Eliot punched him in the shoulder. "Asshole. I meant vampires. We're wired to count heartbeats. We know exactly how many heartbeats worth of blood we get every time we... feast. We also count them to gauge things like age, health, fear, arousal. To you, a number is an abstract concept, a placeholder that can be applied to any type of object. To us, a number is a sequence of heartbeats. We notice there are three books on the coffee table, we know what 3 means only because we think of three pulses that push blood through flesh."

"So the Count on Sesame Street ... is either an old school killer, or a kinky, kinky dude?"

"Probably both."

"Huh...." Nathan thought for awhile and then came up with another question for Eliot.

"So, it would be sexy for you to count all the teeth marks you've left on me?" Nate asked, unbuttoning the top button of his shirt.

Eliot looked down at Nate's neck, appreciated the way Nate's living pulse giving it a fluttering glow. "Yeah, that might do something for me."

"Start counting, then."

Nate continued undressing as Eliot went through every number until he reached, "Twenty-three. Twenty-three bite marks on your neck, chest, and soldiers. Twenty-three."

Nate asked, "Aren't you supposed to say BWAHAHAHA or something?"

"Don't ruin the mood with your jokes, Nathan. I'd like to try for twenty-five tonight."

**Author's Note:**

> Written for comment_fic on livejournal
> 
> Prompt was vampire!Eliot/Nate, The Count from Sesame Street


End file.
